Jokes Thread 2

beauparc · 07 Sep 2011

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

dreamer · 08 Sep 2011

pebbly said:

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............

I didn't get this joke

Hopalong X · 08 Sep 2011

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."

jfar · 08 Sep 2011

dreamer said:

pebbly said:

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............

I didn't get this joke

The bloke with the bucket of sand didn't get it either, hhh

Layback Bear · 08 Sep 2011

Caring the bucket of sand is his handy cap I think. Kind of like a stroke in golf.

jfar · 08 Sep 2011

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think

of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,

and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.

pebbly · 09 Sep 2011

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?

He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.

"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."

"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."

Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.

Foist U Could Knock!

pebbly · 09 Sep 2011

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"

The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

seavixen32 · 09 Sep 2011

I hope I don't get banned for this one.

Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.

With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.

Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.

The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.

"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."

With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.

He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"

"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.

"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"

Paarkhi · 10 Sep 2011

@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those ***

I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)