Jokes Thread 2

An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,

the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.

this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,

whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".

The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"

steve-pressman said:

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Thanks, Steve; I needed that today.

JohnUnderscore said:

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New business is booming


A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
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I like this one!

This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related

Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.

Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.

Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

Crazy world ain't it?

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related

That was awesome!

pro hi.. thanks, I enjoyed it as well.. they were so together.. must have really
practiced it a lot.