New
#91
Jokes Thread
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New #92
Bank Letter
98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been
in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
Mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the
Duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!
Barbara
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New #93
Airline Gripe Sheet
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenancengineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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New #94
Apple Does It Again !
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $500 and $700 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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New #95
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mum, Kathy: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willie up from school and go home."
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New #97
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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New #98
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
woman waving at Him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where
he knows Her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the Father of
one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper
from the Bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery??? '
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No ........
I'm your son's Teacher.'
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New #99
There is a variation of that on a comercial here in the states ... except the lady is a nun... priceless!!
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New #100
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You batsards who want off, get the fcuk off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you batsards who are getting on, get the fcuk on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added.........
'We would like to apolgise for the two hour delay, and if you're pissed off about it please speak to the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
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