Jokes Thread

jfar said:

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You batsards who want off, get the fcuk off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you batsards who are getting on, get the fcuk on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added.........
'We would like to apolgise for the two hour delay, and if you're pissed off about it please speak to the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

A classic "Little Johnny" joke!!

New Toshiba 17" in Satellite L355-S7905 Laptop notebook - eBay (item 280362987549 end time Jul-30-09 19:28:16 PDT)

scroll to the bottom and read the questions sections..

bwahaha

Can you connect to a satellite with a Celeron?
How much is 17"in?

wallyinnc said:

How much is 17"in?

Pretty deep down -- Probably a world record, if Guinness were there...

MAXINE'S NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day:
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer

and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo or
JOHNNIE WALKER to come and keep me company.
Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun!

Post-modernist Irish joke?

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
Other Irish workers there tell him to watch out for the boss, he is a racist who thinks all Irish are stupid so he tries to catch them out with questions.
With this in mind Paddy goes in to meet with the boss.
The boss says: "This is a complicated job Paddy, I need to know that you know your stuff ok?"
Paddy says: "Sure"
"Right then" says the boss "Tell me the difference between a joist and a girder"
"Sure" says Paddy "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"

Another Edition of The Mensa Invitational

This year's Washington Post's 'Mensa Invitational' which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.