Jokes Thread

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  1. Posts : 11,840
    64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro
       #101

    jfar said:
    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
    She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You batsards who want off, get the fcuk off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you batsards who are getting on, get the fcuk on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
    The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
    When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'
    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
    'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
    She hears the little boy continue,
    'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'
    As the mother began to smile, the child added.........
    'We would like to apolgise for the two hour delay, and if you're pissed off about it please speak to the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
    A classic "Little Johnny" joke!!
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  2. Posts : 1,161
    Windows 8.1 PRO
       #102
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  3. Posts : 4,573
       #103

    That is pretty funny. What is not funny is that POS laptop.
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  4. Posts : 1,607
    Windows 7 x64 finally!
       #104

    Can you connect to a satellite with a Celeron?
    How much is 17"in?
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  5. Posts : 1,112
    XP_Pro, W7_7201, W7RC.vhd, SciLinux5.3, Fedora12, Fedora9_2x, OpenSolaris_09-06
       #105

    wallyinnc said:
    How much is 17"in?
    Pretty deep down -- Probably a world record, if Guinness were there...
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  6. Posts : 93
    Windows 7 Home Premium x64 (clean install 8/05/2015)
       #106

    New Boyfriends...


    MAXINE'S NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
    Jokes Thread-maxine1.png
    I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day:
    As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed
    Jokes Thread-maxine2.png
    then I go to see John.
    Jokes Thread-maxine3.png
    Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
    Jokes Thread-maxine4.png
    When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
    He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint
    Jokes Thread-maxine5.png
    After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

    What a life!Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer
    Jokes Thread-maxine6.png
    and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo or
    JOHNNIE WALKER to come and keep me company.
    Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun!
    Last edited by Charbroil57; 05 Sep 2009 at 11:00.
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  7. Posts : 4,663
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit
       #107

    Post-modernist Irish joke?

    An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
    Other Irish workers there tell him to watch out for the boss, he is a racist who thinks all Irish are stupid so he tries to catch them out with questions.
    With this in mind Paddy goes in to meet with the boss.
    The boss says: "This is a complicated job Paddy, I need to know that you know your stuff ok?"
    Paddy says: "Sure"
    "Right then" says the boss "Tell me the difference between a joist and a girder"
    "Sure" says Paddy "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"
    Last edited by johnwillyums; 07 Sep 2009 at 16:00. Reason: punctuation
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  8. Posts : 1,607
    Windows 7 x64 finally!
       #108

    Another Edition of The Mensa Invitational

    This year's Washington Post's 'Mensa Invitational' which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

    Here are the winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

    3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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  9. Posts : 8,399
    ultimate 64 sp1
       #109

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  10. Posts : 4,573
       #110

    Reintardation

    Arguing for a stupid answer. Again and again.
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