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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

07 Jul 2010   #1431
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 
Don't you hate it when ...

Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1432
smarteyeball

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
The Lord is always with and in me.

There are laws to stop that sort of thing. Perhaps you should ring the police...


*******

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1433
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 

Here’s a dilemma…

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don’t answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
This test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is very important!

You’re in Florida… in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you.
You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is — it’s George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.






And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):


Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
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.

07 Jul 2010   #1434
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
 
 
New Viruses to watch for

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS
- It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

AMISH VIRUS - You are sent a postal letter stating that your computer is now infected, and you are honor bound to delete all files on your PC.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

AT&T VIRUS
- Gives you a pop up every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS
- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

COUCH POTATO VIRUS - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

GALLUP POLL VIRUS - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMINY CRICKET VIRUS - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes a pop up reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MOM VIRUS - Places a phone call to your mother or posts on her Facebook page every time you click on an adult website.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't give a sh*t.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

SLACKER VIRUS - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bit stream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1435
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . …. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1436
Kirsch

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?" - Demetri Martin
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07 Jul 2010   #1437
wallyinnc

Windows 7 x64 finally!
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen View Post
Boy some of the stuff you can buy on Amazon these days!

For all you audiophiles: Amazon.com: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable: Electronics

Read the Review comments for it!!!
I loved this one and loved their description too:

Get the purest digital audio you've ever experienced from multi-channel DVD and CD playback through your Denon home theater receiver with the AK-DL1 dedicated cable. Made of high-purity copper wire, it's designed to thoroughly eliminate adverse effects from vibration and helps stabilize the digital transmission from occurrences of jitter and ripple. A tin-bearing copper alloy is used for the cable's shield while the insulation is made of a fluoropolymer material with superior heat resistance, weather resistance, and anti-aging properties. The connector features a rounded plug lever to prevent bending or breaking and direction marks to indicate correct direction for connecting cable.

Translation for non-audiophiles:

Copper cable with plastic insulation and RJ-45 connectors
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1438
Dinesh

Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by gladson1976 View Post
Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1439
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

It's your birthday......

Attachment 83835
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jul 2010   #1440
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Aunt Mildred.....
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.



Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...
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