New
#1551
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart and no spine, and the head and arse are interchangeable."
This is dedicated to LPT and Joan :)
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God…
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat,and be vain glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly sometimes and he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first…So, just remember… it’s a secret…
This is again dedicated to LPT and Joan :)
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman.
They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car,
They saw an elf by the side of the road, and being the perfect people they were, they picked him up.
As the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman lived;
Everyone knows that perfect man and elves are imaginary and don't exist.
Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.
"I don't remember."
Quick Check for Alzheimer's (I am still okay wow wwwww )
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down