Jokes Thread

Joan Archer said:

Found this today.

Attachment 87219

HA HA do like that one Joan Funny


Steve

noobvious said:

So apparently not everyone is seeing the same thing from that link, so instead, I am going to post a snip of the image that came up.

That explains why I've gained some weight...

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.


2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.


3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.


4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.


5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!


6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.


7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.


8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.


9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.


10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.


11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.


12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.


2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.


3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.


4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.


5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Hello Thorsen.



That sounds like some of the horse hooey the tree huggers would come up with.

A Prayer for daddy

"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

steve-pressman said:

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago...

Kari said:

noobvious said:

So apparently not everyone is seeing the same thing from that link, so instead, I am going to post a snip of the image that came up.

That explains why I've gained some weight...

I will gave her an A for imagination and creativity - and an F for faithfulness.

Bare Foot Kid said:

Hello Thorsen.



That sounds like some of the horse hooey the tree huggers would come up with.

Indeed it does!