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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

17 Oct 2009   #171
Antman

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by TheSchaft View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Antman View Post
Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom when they are born?
Knock the, ahem, "external hydraulics" off the dumb ones?
I would never tell a sexist joke like that.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #172
TheSchaft

Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Antman View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by TheSchaft View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Antman View Post
Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom when they are born?
Knock the, ahem, "external hydraulics" off the dumb ones?
I would never tell a sexist joke like that.
Yes, you would, (cf. divorce joke above) and you know that is the correct answer.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #173
Antman

 

I never had sex with that woman.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

17 Oct 2009   #174
TheSchaft

Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
 
 

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question (allegedly) given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer (allegedly) turned in by a student.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off Heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as Souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more Souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #175
TheSchaft

Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Antman View Post
I never had sex with that woman.
Remind me never to smoke cigars with you.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #176
Antman

 

God and Adam are strolling along the river in the garden of Eden. Adam asks God - "God, why did you make woman?"

"I made woman so that you would be happy."

Adam is pleased and they keep walking along the river. "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

"I made woman beautiful so that you would love her."

Adam is pleased and they keep walking along the river. "God, if you made woman so that I could be happy, and you made her beautiful so that I would love her, why did you make her so dumb?"

"I had to. Otherwise, she would not love you."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #177
TheSchaft

Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
 
 

God asks Adam, "Where is Eve?"

Adam says, "She's down at the river bathing."

God says.....

(I dare you to finish that, Antman )
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #178
Antman

 

This post DID self-destruct.

But I got the schaft anyway.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #179
TheSchaft

Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Antman View Post
**********************.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Oct 2009   #180
Antman

 

God told Adam that He would create for Adam a beautiful, warm and loving help mate that would fulfill every earthly desire that a man could want or conceive. God told Adam it would cost him an arm and a leg.

Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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