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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

18 Aug 2010   #1931
BrightBlessings

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the erudite thinker who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
And (drum roll please)...
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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18 Aug 2010   #1932
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
 
 
Where Spider Man "goes"

To the Spider Bathroom....


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18 Aug 2010   #1933
CarlTR6

Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
 
 

Quote:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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.

18 Aug 2010   #1934
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 View Post
Quote:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


Aren't we killing and being killed for Peace now?

How many of those with the Noble Peace Prize are really deserving of it now?
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18 Aug 2010   #1935
CarlTR6

Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
 
 

None; that is why I like it. The Nobel Peace Prize is a joke itself.
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18 Aug 2010   #1936
WindowsStar

Windows 7 Enterprise (x64); Windows Server 2008 R2 (x64)
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 View Post
None; that is why I like it. The Nobel Peace Prize is a joke itself.


I couldn't agree more!!
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19 Aug 2010   #1937
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
 
 

Three elderly golfers were out for their weekly game.

The one golfer said "You know, every damn morning I get up, my back hurts like hell, my arms are stiff & it takes me 1/2 an hour to get out of bed!"

The other golfer said "Well, when I get up in the morning, my legs are all cramped and I have to rub them for about 15 minutes before I can even think about walking!"

The third guy looks at them and says:

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"

(I heard this one in the cancer wing while getting my treatments & it's not only funny, but true )
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19 Aug 2010   #1938
Kirsch

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 View Post

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"
I'm truly sorry, but I don't understand this joke. Can you please explain? And by the way I am dead serious lol
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19 Aug 2010   #1939
Dwarf

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kirsch View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 View Post

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"
I'm truly sorry, but I don't understand this joke. Can you please explain? And by the way I am dead serious lol
What the 3rd chap means is that the grass is still below their feet, rather than above their heads.
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19 Aug 2010   #1940
Kirsch

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf View Post
What the 3rd chap means is that the grass is still below their feet, rather than above their heads.
AHHHH Thanks lol

I was thinking "right" as in "right and left" not "right" as in "correct"

Now it makes sense, and now I can laugh
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