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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

27 Nov 2009   #281
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kari View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Orpheous View Post
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?




......... He sold his soul to Santa
This is bad, but I have to get it out of my memorybank and into yours, Here goes.


Why does Santa have three gardens.?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #282
Qdos

 
Scottish Farmer...

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #283
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by jfar View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kari View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Orpheous View Post
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?




......... He sold his soul to Santa
This is bad, but I have to get it out of my memorybank and into yours, Here goes.


Why does Santa have three gardens.?


OK I'm game, why does he have three gardens?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

27 Nov 2009   #284
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by jfar View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kari View Post
This is bad, but I have to get it out of my memorybank and into yours, Here goes.


Why does Santa have three gardens.?


OK I'm game, why does he have three gardens?
Ah I knew I'd get a victim sooner or later.

So he can Ho, Ho, HO.

Sorry
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #285
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by jfar View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by jfar View Post

This is bad, but I have to get it out of my memorybank and into yours, Here goes.


Why does Santa have three gardens.?


OK I'm game, why does he have three gardens?
Ah I knew I'd get a victim sooner or later.

So he can Ho, Ho, HO.

Oh me, I should've seen that one coming.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #286
Scotteq

Windows 7 (x64)
 
 

What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?


(..one snatches your watch! )




< Warning - This one is rather vile >



What's the difference between a band of Pygmys and a Women's Field and Track team?


(One is a Cunning bunch of Runts...)
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #287
Dwarf

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid
Oh me, I should've seen that one coming.
Jokes Thread-enan190l.jpg


My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #288
Orpheous

XP Pro/Vista Ultimate (64)/Windows 7 Ultimate Signature Edition(64)
 
 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #289
Zidane24

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 - Mac OS X 10.6.4 x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Orpheous View Post
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."
...........
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Nov 2009   #290
Kari

 

A German turist arrived in New York, first time abroad. First night there he went to his hotels Sky Bar at the 25th floor. It was quiet, only one other chatting with the barman.

The German ordered a Scotch. The other guy turned to him, asking "You are German?"
"Yes", replies the turist. "How did you know?"
"Your accent.", told the local guy and went on: "You know that if you drink Scotch this high, above the 20th floor it gives you an ability to fly."
"No way", says the German.
"I'll show you! Barman, give me a Scotch!"
The local guy gets his Scotch, drinks it, walks to the balcony and jumps. Gasping air, the German is starting to panic when he sees the local guy fly back to the balcony and walk back in.
"Mein Gott!", yells the German, orders one more Scotch, walks to the balcony and jumps.

Barman turns to the local guy, saying: "It was over sixty years ago! Can't you just forget, Superman!"

Kari
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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