Jokes Thread

Thanks, Joan. It's getting more and more difficult to complete the post as the numbers required go up, but don't worry, I'll get there (eventually). Keep checking!

pillainp said:

Two doctors are doing the rounds when a patients runs screaming down the hall past them, with a beautiful blond nurse in hot pursuit. The nurse is carrying a pan filled with boiling water,

One of the doctors says to the other, "Oh dear, Mary's got it mixed up again! I specifically told her that she was supposed to p r i c k that poor patient's boil!"

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)







There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
A t a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for electionand why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UPthe old car.


At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many waysUP is used. It will takeUPa lot of your time,but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

Joan Archer said:

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)







There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
A t a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for electionand why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UPthe old car.


At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many waysUP is used. It will takeUPa lot of your time,but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

If it was up to me...I would never want to read anything up to the word up anymore

And with that I'm up to stoke up the stove.

Tangoj said:

When you take your baptist friend with you on a fishing trip, how do you keep him from drinking all your beer??

Take two baptist...

Two preachers would ride their bikes to their respective churches every sunday. On their way they would pass each other on the cross street. This sunday one of the preachers was walking instead of riding his bike. So when they met at the cross road the one asked the other "what happen to your bike?" The other replied. " Last sunday when i left church i could not find my bike, i think someone from the church stole it." The one preacher made a suggestion and said. "I'll tell you what to do, when you get on the pulpit today preach on the 10 commandments and who ever stole your bike will feel guilty and confess" Well the other preach did and the next week they meet again at the cross roads and both where riding their bikes so the one said to the other "i see it worked you found your bike" The other preacher responded..

Yeah it did. I got up preached the 10 commandments and when i got to Thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike.