Jokes Thread

Good one Tangoj and welcome to 7 Forums.

Gary

This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."
Paddy: "I've worked f***'n'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"

Kari said:

This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."

Paddy: "I've worked f***n' 'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"

Good one, Kari...

wwpauljd said:

two guys walking in the woods when they see a bear approaching them. One of the guys quickly gets a pair of sneakers out of his backpack and puts them on as quickly as he can. The other guys says - "what are you doin man????!! You're never gonna outrun a bear!"
the other guy replies-"I don't have to outrun the bear, I have to outrun you."

Heard that one before.

Along a similar line.

A man, who is a none-believer, is walking through the woods one day when suddenly he hears an almighty roar. He stops dead in his tracks, turns around, and about 100yds away he can see a huge bear coming towards him. The man is fearful for his life. Although he is an atheist, he asks God for help.

Closing his eyes he says "Oh God, I am not a Christian and do not believe in you, but can you make the bear believe?" God answers "I am God, and I can achieve anything I want." The man replies "Thank you, God."

The man opens his eyes and looks again at the bear who has also stopped in his tracks. By this time, they are only 10yds apart. The bear rises up on his hind legs, puts his front paws together and says "Dear God. For the food which I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful. Amen."

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.



* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.



* FIFTH PLACE *

Goes to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days, and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.




* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania wins, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.




* FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.