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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

30 Dec 2009   #371
kintomaniac

windows 7 Ultimate 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Venths View Post
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

0 A
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for hisbirthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #372
Venths

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 SP1
 
 

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a telescope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think now I can do that with one shot!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #373
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Venths View Post
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a telescope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think now I can do that with one shot!"

My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

30 Dec 2009   #374
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

[ATTACH]Jokes Thread-angel20emoticon20praying.gif[/ATTACH]


Attached Images
Jokes Thread-roflmao.gif 
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #375
Venths

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 SP1
 
 
Error Messages

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #376
Qdos

 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the Villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic)

'The sheep's a f****n' liar...'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #377
Qdos

 

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female

boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the

girls decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she

know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little

gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the

spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but

when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to

see her husband in bed with her lady boss.

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead

planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was

going to go with them.

'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #378
DocBrown

Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
 
 

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL YOU GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....


A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.





"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland


Kinda brings a tear to your eye don't it?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #379
Kari

 



Good one, Doc!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Dec 2009   #380
spinifex

 
 

Good one Doc.

"öut of the mouth of babes".




Texas Water Rights

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority

of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am

allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions

asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running

for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the

Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately

ran to the fence and shouted out.....


Your card! Show him your card
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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