Was picking my Australian friend from airport. We got taxi and asked driver to bring us to the city. My friend was tired after a long flight, so we just sat there in quiet. Halfway the driver broke the silence and asked if we wanted to hear a good joke about an Aussie in Europe. I told hime that my friend is an Aussie.
"It's OK. I can tell it very slowly."
go to google.com type in the search bar; Search Chuck Norris and hit the lucky button.
I'm sure this has been common knowledge for ages, it's the first time i seen it and it's funny as hell!!!!
Kind of long but funny:
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back
with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender...
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the d@mn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where the hell is that old biddy
with the bad tooth?'
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The
little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy **** ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
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A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
sleeposting - Google Search
Better hurry.
