Jokes Thread

Maybe wrong place for it, but i found this amusing...

they cant be serious..
all I know is I'll be paying closer attention to EULA's



...

Subject: Blonde Jokes





Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
> blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
> or the moon?'
>
> The other blonde turns and says 'halloo, can you see Florida ?????'
>
>
>
>
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, 'What's the story?'
> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>
>
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
> yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
> to you!'
>
>
> RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
> blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-ho o!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
> other side?'
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
> body hurt wherever she touched it.
> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her knee
> and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
> her scream.
> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
> 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> &n bsp; wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
> OVER!'
> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>

>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> said, 'We were the first in space!'
> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
> Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going
> at night!'
>

>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>

>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
> asked her what their names were... The blonde responded by saying that one
> was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard
> of someone naming dogs like that?'
> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

valtonray said:

mom sent me this a long time ago. thought you all would like it.

RAISING BOYS

a) For those with no children, this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.





1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. (lmao)

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. (rotf lmao)

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Sounds about right.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."