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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

17 Feb 2010   #531
madtownidiot

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pacinitaly View Post
Signs You Might Be A Redneck

Don't forget:

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

you can burp and say your name at the same time

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

You met the one before that at a family gathering

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Feb 2010   #532
BWK

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Feb 2010   #533
BWK

 

Paddy and murphy are skint and want some beer, so paddy says "i know we go to the pub order 2 pints ill stick a pork sausage out of my zip, you suck it, the barman will throw us out thus getting a free drink. we can do this in every pub getting a free days drinking" so off they go to the first pub order 2 pints and start drinking, as they get to the last drop, paddy pulls the sausage from his zip, murphy sucks on it,,, the landlord sees this and throws them out. They continue this for the next 9 pubs. then Murphy says "oh be-jesus paddy can we swap my knees are killing me, paddy replies never mind your knees what about me i dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub...
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.

18 Feb 2010   #534
BWK

 

Remember catching snowflakes on your tongue?
And when mom lets her toys lying around!


Attached Images
Jokes Thread-capture.jpg Jokes Thread-horn.jpg 
My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Feb 2010   #535
derekimo

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by BWK View Post
Paddy and murphy are skint and want some beer, so paddy says "i know we go to the pub order 2 pints ill stick a pork sausage out of my zip, you suck it, the barman will throw us out thus getting a free drink. we can do this in every pub getting a free days drinking" so off they go to the first pub order 2 pints and start drinking, as they get to the last drop, paddy pulls the sausage from his zip, murphy sucks on it,,, the landlord sees this and throws them out. They continue this for the next 9 pubs. then Murphy says "oh be-jesus paddy can we swap my knees are killing me, paddy replies never mind your knees what about me i dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub...

My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Feb 2010   #536
valtonray

Windows 7 Ultimate Signature Edition
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pacinitaly View Post
Signs You Might Be A Redneck

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
the sad thing is that this really did happen to my parents when they bought their house. a large area near the treeline had been allowed to grow to a point that it took chainsaws to clear it out. part of the way into the job an old chevy vega was found just sitting in the middle of it. but they had the car hauled away because they had no intentions of starting a junker collection in the back yard.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Feb 2010   #537
EFH

Windows 7 Pro 64 Bit
 
 

CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in 'Linoleum Blownapart.'

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me!

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Feb 2010   #538
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.... :

'Only when he's pissed.'

My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Feb 2010   #539
madtownidiot

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by jfar View Post
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.... :

'Only when he's pissed.'
lol
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Feb 2010   #540
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
hernameplate that her name is
Patricia Whack.



"Miss Whack, I'dlike
to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks atthe
frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.



Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed.



Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and then
disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."



She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"







The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack… Give the frog a loan… His old
man's a Rolling Stone."









(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you
are...)
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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