Jokes Thread

MattRainier said:

valtonray said:

you do realize bush isn't the president over here anymore right? other than that i think you captured him pretty well he is an idiot.

It was a coupla years ago that he sent me that - while Bush was still pres. I found it while digging through a bunch of old emails. I thought I'd throw it up just for fun.

Yeah, Bush, Obama, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy...they're all idiots back until Teddy. The last good American president.

Oh, don't get me started on politics.

seems you know your american history. but clinton wasn't so bad. after the monica thing every little boy wanted to be president again.

IMHO, all the bureaucrats just spout bureaucrap. It's all the same.

That's why I love watching Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

http://homeandhobbyhelpfulls.yolasit...of-the-day.php

Adrian said:

Here is how we hunt for hogs in the Sunshine State!

HAHAHA....I have a feral cat problem. Please ship it up here for a day lol

seems you know your american history. but clinton wasn't so bad. after the monica thing every little boy wanted to be president again.

hehe
I guarantee he's not the first Prez to get a hummer in the Oval Office, just the only one that got caught!
Can't say as I blame him.

"It's good to be King"(Mel Brooks)

MattRainier said:

Kari said:

11 hours to game start, I'm quite sure we are going to Sunday's finals by beating USA today!

HOW 'BOUT THEM FINS, HUH?

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

But really - I was looking forward to a good hockey game, not a rout... Oh well. I'll have to settle for watching USA thrash Canada again on their way to a gold.

You have every right to mock Team Finland. I have never seen that kind of game before, Finns playing so bad hockey! First half of first period, you guys had six goals and we nothing. The game was over.

Congratulations, USA. I'm sure you give us hockey fans a good Olympic final.

Kari

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

I'm from North Carolina - and that last one is so true!

TheSchaft said:

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

i've lived in the south most of my life and very few of these apply to me.

I'm a transplanted New Yorker, and I've got to agree with most of them - except the last one. Here in Ft. Worth, that little old lady would probably get run off the road. (Second worse drivers in the country.)