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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

14 Mar 2010   #691
severedsolo

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by D3ftOn3Z View Post
101 Ways To Annoy People


9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".


my girlfriend actually does this not in public obviously, but if its something she really wants like galaxy chocolate she does
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14 Mar 2010   #692
starwolf1336

Windows 7 Professional 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by D3ftOn3Z View Post
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
HAHA, i've actually done this, but i had the dial up modem as a ringtone. It rang in the bank one time and a old lady asked me what my phone was doing. I told her it was dialing up to the internet.

Then she replied "they can do that?"
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15 Mar 2010   #693
Dom

Windows Seven Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by D3ftOn3Z View Post
101 Ways To Annoy People
Haha
I have to print this out...
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.

15 Mar 2010   #694
harry5

 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in
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15 Mar 2010   #695
noobvious

Win 7 Ultimate 64-bit SP1 (desktop)
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by harry5 View Post
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in
My System SpecsSystem Spec
15 Mar 2010   #696
starwolf1336

Windows 7 Professional 64bit
 
 

Thought i would share


Attached Images
Jokes Thread-funny.jpg Jokes Thread-funny2.jpg 
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16 Mar 2010   #697
harry5

 

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

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17 Mar 2010   #698
TGSoldier

 
 

This for all ma ole tess on the forum that cant quiet figure out how to get that zeebo...

An older white man walks into a spice isle jewelry one Friday evening with a beautiful young gul at his side. He told the owner he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The owner looked through his stock an brought out a $5000 ring. The old man said " na, i'd like to see something a little more special", At that statement the owner went upstairs to the special stock an returned with a ring valued at $40,000. (straight outta south). the young ladies eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. the old man seeing that said "we will take it". The owner asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so ill write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds, and ill pick up the ring Monday afternoon". Monday morning the owner phoned the old man, "there is no money in that account" he said. The old man replied "I know, but let me tell u bout my weekend!!!!!
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17 Mar 2010   #699
Kari

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by TGSoldier View Post
This for all ma ole tess on the forum that cant quiet figure out how to get that zeebo...
...
"I know, but let me tell u bout my weekend!!!!!
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17 Mar 2010   #700
smsff7

Windows 7 Pro X64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by harry5 View Post
THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

FIrst I ever seen this joke and I am LMAO

Good one
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