Jokes Thread

Antman said:

sleeposting - Google Search

Better hurry.

lmao...you know I am kidding Antman

Good ones BeepBeep! :)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame.Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WA RNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Br ian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalocan only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate a s fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

-------Bra Codes------





Size A:





Size B:





Size C:





Size D:





Size DD:





Size E:





Size F:





Size G:





Size H:





A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...



Hard to Find



Supportive



Comfortable



Always Lifts You Up



Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging



And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

ONE OF THESE JUST HAS TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp.
announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer .
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of : MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Top 10 Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun:

10. "Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work"
9. "As president of the United States, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunians!"
8. "Couldn't we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's?"
7. "Cozumel? Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State?"
6. "When do I get to meet Zorro?"
5. "Holy crap, how'd they move these pyramids from Egypt?"
4. "I'll have a non-alcoholic pina colada...just kidding, juice me up, Pepe!"
3. "NAFTA? Don't they make auto parts?"
2. "Secret service! He's choking on a nacho"

And the number 1 thing overheard during George W. Bush's trip to Cancun:

1. "Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad"

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your adviceon what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for sometime now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usualsigns...Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. Mywife has been going out with the girls a lot recently althoughwhen I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends fromwork, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out forher taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive,although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten outof the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? Ionce picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was andshe went berserk and screamed that I should never touch herphone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I havenever broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down Ijust didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went outagain and I decided to really check on her. I decided I wasgoing to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage andthen hide behind it so I could get a good view of the wholestreet when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouchingbehind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on myengine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back tothe dealer?

Thanks,

HarleyMan

masterB said:

Math Problem:
There are 7 girls on a bus(no bus driver).
Each girl is carrying 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question:
How many legs are there on the bus?

None ... a bus has wheels, not legs....

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, “I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic.”She continues, “But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shyt?"