New
#281
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer...
Last edited by jfar; 27 Nov 2009 at 11:11.
What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
(..one snatches your watch! )
< Warning - This one is rather vile >
What's the difference between a band of Pygmys and a Women's Field and Track team?
(One is a Cunning bunch of Runts...)
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."
A German turist arrived in New York, first time abroad. First night there he went to his hotels Sky Bar at the 25th floor. It was quiet, only one other chatting with the barman.
The German ordered a Scotch. The other guy turned to him, asking "You are German?"
"Yes", replies the turist. "How did you know?"
"Your accent.", told the local guy and went on: "You know that if you drink Scotch this high, above the 20th floor it gives you an ability to fly."
"No way", says the German.
"I'll show you! Barman, give me a Scotch!"
The local guy gets his Scotch, drinks it, walks to the balcony and jumps. Gasping air, the German is starting to panic when he sees the local guy fly back to the balcony and walk back in.
"Mein Gott!", yells the German, orders one more Scotch, walks to the balcony and jumps.
Barman turns to the local guy, saying: "It was over sixty years ago! Can't you just forget, Superman!"
Kari