Jokes Thread

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good...) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

This is a true story, I swear!
I was driving home from work late one evening last April, pretty quickly as I was late for dinner when I got a call on my cell phone. I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone and glanced down to look for the answer key briefly and bang! I hit something big.
I slowed to a stop, then reversed back to where the impact had occurred and got out of my car to have a look. There lying lifeless on the side of the road was a five foot tall rabbit! He was clutching a woven basket in his right paw and there were eggs scattered all around him... I'd killed the Easter Bunny! Dumbstruck, I kneeled next to him, desperately wiping the blood from his mouth as I prepared to give him CPR.
Just at that moment a red convertible pulled up behind my car, and an attractive blonde got out, then walked towards me. "Is that the Easter Bunny?" she asked, I replied "I think so, I must be the worst guy in the world, I've ruined Easter!". She paused for a few seconds, then went back to her car and returned with her rather large handbag. "Don't stress, I might have something that'll fix him" she said, reaching into her handbag. She pulled out a rather large spray can and sprayed it all around the Easter Bunny.
Instantly his nose began to twitch! He opened one eye, then the other, and then got up on his hind legs and gathered his eggs. I was speechless!
When he had all his eggs in his basket he hopped off down the road a little, then turned to look back at us and waved, then he hopped a little further and waved again, repeating this until he bounced off into the distance, dissappearing from sight...
When I finally recovered from the shock of what had just happened I hugged the blonde, and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. "I'm just glad I could help" she said with a smile. Curious, I asked "what was that stuff you used?" "hair spray" she replied. "What? no way!" I said "what made you think it would work?".
"Well" she said, "I remembered reading the label on the can this morning and it said: Revives dead hair - adding permanent bounce and wave"

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, it's just that yours is stupid.

Culture is like mold, people. You just leave it alone and it'll grow.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...he's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George!

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.

Nature, our father and mother, gave us all we have got. The state, our elder brother, swipes the lot.

The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Always be wary of the software engineer who carries a screwdriver.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I’m not in it, I go to work.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as he--.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

echrada said:

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a s w a n k y costume party. The Mrs got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

LMAO, I love this one.