Jokes Thread

Bloke upstairs just waking up and he hears screams from the kitchen downstairs.
He comes running down the stairs and into the kitchen where he sees his wife at the cooker.
She turns to him and says “Quick, clean off the counter there behind me and start making love to me for as long as you can.” He thought all his birthdays had come at once.
The bloke looks a bit stunned for a second or two, but clears the counter off as quick as a whistle
and proceeds to make mad passionate love to the missus.
When they were finished the bloke turned to the wife and said, “Well that was a surprise”
“What was all that about.”

She looked at him for a second and said,
“Oh nothing really it’s just that the egg timer had just broken.”

jfar said:

Bloke upstairs just waking up and he hears screams from the kitchen downstairs.
He comes running down the stairs and into the kitchen where he sees his wife at the cooker.
She turns to him and says “Quick, clean off the counter there behind me and start making love to me for as long as you can.” He thought all his birthdays had come at once.
The bloke looks a bit stunned for a second or two, but clears the counter off as quick as a whistle
and proceeds to make mad passionate love to the missus.
When they were finished the bloke turned to the wife and said, “Well that was a surprise”
“What was all that about.”

She looked at him for a second and said,
“Oh nothing really it’s just that the egg timer had just broken.”

A husband walks into the newly opened department store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $100 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling without my clothes on (he'll never know the difference), and I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears nekkid on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

madtownidiot said:

A husband walks into the newly opened department store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $100 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling without my clothes on (he'll never know the difference), and I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears nekkid on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

LMAO!

Signs You Might Be A Redneck
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it

pacinitaly said:

Signs You Might Be A Redneck
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it

Nice! Foxworthy would be proud.