New
#1241
Jokes Thread
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New #1244
an older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
This one is quite adult
a man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
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New #1246
For the musicians on here:
a band is playing a large show. during this song the singer begins to think "wow, that girl down there is really hot. im going to see if i can pick her up after the show"
the guitarist is thinking "that was a great lick i played back there, im going to try another"
the drummer is thinking, " how long should my drum solo be?"
and the bassist is thinking........" G C D C G C D D"
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty, one to change it and nineteen to tell him they could have done it better.
What's the difference between a guitar and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Did you hear about the drummer who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?
What's the biggest thing that the roadies have to unload from the van?
The singer's ego.
What's the difference between a watch and a guitarist?
One of them can keep time.
How do you know when a drummer is at the door?
He's always making noise, but never knows when to come in...
WHAT DO ERIC CLAPTON AND COFFEE HAVE IN COMMON?
they're both terrible without cream.
what do you do if you see your drummer drowning?
throw in the bassist
How can you tell a lead singer is at your door?
He forgets the key
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
Did you hear about the guitar player locked his keys in the car?
It took him half an hour to get the drummer out.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.
What should a Musician do before crossing a street?
C Sharp or B Flat.
What’s the difference between a singer and a terrorist?
you can negotiate with a singer
how many singers does it take to screw a light bulb??
1 they hold it in place an the world revolves around them
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Did you hear about the singer who was so arrogant the other singers noticed?
What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
Stop laughing and shoot again.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
None, they have machines for that now.
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
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New #1247
Being a musician myself... all I can say is
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Dribble.
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New #1249
Not really a Joke but funny as hell though :)
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends......................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...................................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...................................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man........................................................ .... ...............................Priceless.
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