New
#1271
Jokes Thread
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New #1272
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New #1273
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
- I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
- I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
- I will get dressed before noon.
- I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
- I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
- I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
- I will read a book... if I still remember how.
- I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
- I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
- I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
- I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
- Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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New #1275
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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New #1277
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New #1278
A Redneck Love Poem
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I' D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW.
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY
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(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)
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New #1279
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled:
'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
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New #1280
Maxine's advice for the day!
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead
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