New
#1611
Jokes Thread
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New #1612
Things that make me wonder about: Woman gets pregnant by watching 3d movie
>The lady may have been soo messed up on alcohol/drugs/whatnot/everything at once, that perhaps she THOUGHT she was watching a 3d movie. Either way, it's scary having a wife/girlfriend that far removed from reality.
>That the husband, who might be in denial/shock/hugely amused, agreed with her explanation.
>That the lady could not come up with anything better then that. Hell....an explanation of "I was beamed on board a UFO & inseminated by one eyed martians" would sound more plausible then that one.
>Since technology has apparently progressed faster then anyone could imagine, from now on while watching a 3D porn movie, anyone sitting in front of the screen will need to be sure to use birth control.
>With that explanation given by the woman, the possibility surely exists that if a guy does slip up and forgets to wear birth control, one of the "actresses" could show up at your door with a kid saying "You didn't wear a condom while watching!"Last edited by Borg 386; 26 Jul 2010 at 12:37.
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New #1613
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, all wanted to join their local church.
The Pastor said to them, "We have special requirements for new members. To be accepted, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed to the terms and came back at the end of the two weeks.
The Pastor turned to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the congregation!" said the Pastor.
The Pastor then asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The man replied, "Well, the first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights; but yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the congregation!" said the Pastor.
The Pastor then turned to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"The newlyweds had their heads down, no Pastor, we weren't able to go without sex for the entire two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the Pastor.
"Well, six days into the two weeks, my wife bent over to get some fruit. When she bent over to pick it up, I was suddenly overcome with lust and I took advantage of her right there and then."
"You do understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our congregation," stated the Pastor.
"We know that Pastor," said the young man, grimly. "We're no longer welcome at the supermarket either."
A Guy
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New #1614
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
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New #1619
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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