Jokes Thread

steve-pressman said:

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

Awesome!

Long Live Bachelors


Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!


--Anonymous


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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.


--Oscar Wilde


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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.



--Scottish Proverb


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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.


--Sam Kinison


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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


--H. L. Mencken


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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.


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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:


either the car is new or the wife.


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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.


--Anonymous


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"


--Anonymous


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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.



--Anonymous



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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous



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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."



--Anonymous



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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."



--Anonymous



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If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!



--Anonymous



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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."



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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works!"

Hilarious, Shyam. Here is one more:

One never knows what true happiness is until he marries - then it is too late

CarlTR6 said:

Hilarious, Shyam. Here is one more:

One never knows what true happiness is until he marries - then it is too late

Thanks .. Good one

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous

Funeral services are Saturday at 2pm!

These are great Capt. Jack!

Shyam, tears from laughing are still running down my face - I can hardly see the letters on the keyboard. What a hilarious collection. But the wife did not agree with me.

whs said:

Shyam, tears from laughing are still running down my face - I can hardly see the letters on the keyboard. What a hilarious collection. But the wife did not agree with me.

Obviously she won't !!
I had the same feeling then i posted here :)

The Howling Wolves said:

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous

Funeral services are Saturday at 2pm!

These are great Capt. Jack!

Thanks Dennis :)

The last one, Captain !! I took a bit time to understand what he wished, but then

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'