Jokes Thread

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

kronckew said:

A Redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman hidden in the shadows.


"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!," Bubba answers sounding annoyed

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face."

HA HA heard a few variations of that but still funny :)


Steve

steve-pressman said:

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper For a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to him..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

An old lady was walking down the road with 2 garbage bags. A cop noticed that one of the bags was loosing 20$ bills. He gathered them up, and walking up to her said "Excuse me, but are you aware you have a hole in your bag?"

The old lady looked at him and said "Why thank you sonny, thank you so much."

The cop, looking at the old lady asked her "If you don't mind my asking, where did you get all that money?"

The old lady stopped and said "Well, you see officer, my house is right up against the baseball field. Some of the people waiting in line don't go to the bathrooms, they just like to stick it through the holes in my fence. And when that happens, I get out my rose trimming shears and tell them to pass me a twenty or I'll lop it off".

The cop burst into laughter saying "Well, you sure have a good system there and I can't blame you for what you're doing. There must be a lot of people doing that for you to have 2 bags full of money."

The old lady says "Oh, there's only one bag of money. You see, not all of em pays up!"

borg 386 said:

the old lady says "oh, there's only one bag of money. You see, not all of em pays up!"

ouch lol

Borg 386 said:

An old lady was walking down the road with 2 garbage bags. A cop noticed that one of the bags was loosing 20$ bills. He gathered them up, and walking up to her said "Excuse me, but are you aware you have a hole in your bag?"

The old lady looked at him and said "Why thank you sonny, thank you so much."

gives new meaning to the term "Private Property"

Thorsen said:

gives new meaning to the term "Private Property"

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

WindowsStar said:

CarlTR6 said:

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I liked your JOKE !!!!..

I added my bumper sticker to my sig.... :)