[v0id]

This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! I will start first!

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

[Antman]

The guys in the office got me a sweater for my birthday.

I was hoping for a moaner.

[Antman]

How many MS Technical Support reps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-----------------------------------
Dear Valued Customer,

We apologize that you are experiencing difficulties with MS Light Bulbs. To hear these options again, press 1.

[Antman]

A young man is taking helicopter flying lessons. While at the controls, a thick layer of fog rolls in, obscuring the landscape. He cannot find the heliport. The instructor takes over the controls and drops beneath the cloud cover, approaches a tall skyscraper and hovers by a window.

The student scrawls a note on paper, holding it up to the window - "Where are we?"
A man inside the building holds up a note - "In a helicopter."

The pilot nods knowingly, pulls the chopper up above the cloud cover and takes a direct heading, drops beneath the cloud cover, exactly at the heliport, and lands.

The student is amazed. "How did you know where we were?"

"Easy", said the pilot. "We got a technically correct answer that was of no use. We had to be at Microsoft."

[Orbital Shark]

I was really sad to see Micheal Jackson's family carrying his coffin on telly, I thought Cool Runnings was on & I love that film

[v0id]

[Antman]

I was at the DMV registering for a new driver's license. The clerk asked me when was my birthday.

"December 14", I replied.

She asked me, "What year?"

"Every year!"

Geez, some people.

[Orbital Shark]

More of a true story than a joke but it had me howling

Working in my local pub 1 night there was a 21st birthday party (loads o' totty ) This girl was talking to her mate and was saying how she's been drinking since she was 17. This fella, overhearing, turns round and says 'Really? I've been drinking since this morning'

I just hit the deck & give him a free drink for that 1, i was having a bad night till then

[mickey megabyte]

here's two similar jokes for you all, stop me if you've heard them before...

1 -a lorry carrying a cargo of wireless networking equipment was mysteriously hijacked after being caught up in a traffic jam this morning in Birmingham.

police have admitted they are not currently persuing any leads.

2 - Central Birmingham was brought to a standstill tonight when a lorry overturned on the A38, shedding its entire load of TFT panels and LCD TVs.

Asked if the road will be cleared in time for rush hour tomorrow, police have stated they can't yet say, but are continuing to monitor the situation.

[Antman]

Billy comes home school and he is VERY happy. His mother asks, "Billy, why are you so happy?"

"MOM! Today, I had SEX!", Billy brags.

Shocked, his Mom orders Billy up to his room. "And stay there until your father gets home!"

When Billy's father gets home, his Mom shares the horrible news and demands that he give Billy a thorough smack down.

Billy's father goes upstairs, closes the door, winks at Billy, gives him a high five, and starts yelling loudly about the utter horror of his offense. And then he quietly tells Billy how proud he is and "Don't tell your Mom I said that."

The next day, the proud father tells all of his friends and co-workers about Billy's venture into manhood. When Billy's father gets home, he asks Billy, "Well son, did you have sex again today?"

Wincing, Billy says, "No, Dad. My butt still hurts from yesterday."