Jokes Thread [3]

FWIW: The difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story:

A fairy tale always begins: Once upon a time.

A sea story always begins: Now this is no S**T.

Rich

You can always tell when someone is about to tell a lie, they begin with,
"To be honest" or,
"To tell you the truth..."

Children in church

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.


Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Oh god, Michael Winslow is too funny.

The Scottish Tourist

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring " Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! "

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! "

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! " All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, " He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls. "

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, " Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!! "

A Guy

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Saw this on G+ that really hit my funny bone.

A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." Then he takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." and he says this with a deep sigh...




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Gonna have to groan that one Kathryn

A Guy

pebbly said:

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

O no ........ your really spoiling us :)