Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #1101

    AFFAIRS

    First Affair
    A married man was having an affair
    with his secretary.
    One day they went to her place
    and made love all afternoon.
    Exhausted, they fell asleep
    and woke up at 8 PM.
    The man hurriedly dressed
    and told his lover to take his shoes
    outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
    He put on his shoes and drove home.
    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
    'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
    'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
    We had sex all afternoon.'
    She looked down at his shoes and said:
    'You lying b******!
    You've been playing golf!'

    The 2nd Affair
    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
    but always talked about having a son

    They decided to try one last time
    for the son they always wanted.
    The wife got pregnant
    and delivered a healthy baby boy.
    The joyful father rushed to the nursery
    to see his new son.
    He was horrified at the ugliest child
    he had ever seen.
    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
    be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
    Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
    The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
    'No, not this time!'

    The 3rd Affair
    A mortician was working late one night.
    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
    about to be cremated,
    and made a startling discovery.
    Schwartz had the largest private part
    he had ever seen!
    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
    commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
    with such an impressive private part.
    It must be saved for posterity.'
    So, he removed it,
    stuffed it into his briefcase,
    and took it home.
    'I have something to show
    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
    opening his briefcase.
    I dont beleive it!' the wife exclaimed,
    'Schwartz is dead!'

    The 4th Affair
    A woman was in bed with her lover
    when she heard her husband
    opening the front door.
    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
    She rubbed baby oil all over him,
    then dusted him with talcum powder.
    'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.
    'Pretend you're a statue.'
    'What's this?' the husband inquired
    as he entered the room
    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
    'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
    so I got one for us, too.'
    No more was said,
    not even when they went to bed.
    Around 2 AM the husband got up,
    went to the kitchen and returned
    with a sandwich and a beer.
    'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
    I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
    and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

    The 5th Affair
    A man walked into a cafe,
    went to the bar and ordered a beer.
    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
    He glanced at the menu and asked:
    'How much for a nice juicy steak
    and a bottle of wine?'
    'A nickel,' the barman replied.
    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
    'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
    The bartender replied:
    'Upstairs, with my wife.'
    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
    with your wife?'
    The bartender replied:
    'The same thing I'm doing
    to his business down here.'
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 3,822
    Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
       #1102





    - very funny lady - Miranda Hart..
    Last edited by BugMeister; 30 Dec 2012 at 08:08.
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 223
    Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit
       #1103

    Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

    Because he cums only once a year, down the chimney.
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 223
    Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit
       #1104

    A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

    "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 223
    Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit
       #1105

    One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

    So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

    Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 223
    Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit
       #1106

    Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."

    Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

    Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1107

    YOu guys are killing me with these jokes!!!
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
       #1108

    Grandma Still Drives ---Priceless


    Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

    Dear Grand-daughter,

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

    So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
    Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!
    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

    'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
    Everyone started honking!

    I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

    I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

    My grandson burst out laughing.

    Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

    So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

    So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon,

    Love, Grandma


    Rich
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1109

    I think i'm about to die... of laughter xDDD
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #1110

    Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
    "Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."
      My Computer


 

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