Jokes Thread [3]

lol guess I should withhold the joke I was about to post...

This is for Kathryn.

Good Girls Go to Heaven Bad Girls Go Everywhere!!

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Not me personally, but this lawyer I know invites his cousin from the Czech Republic to come and stay with him in Canada. The Czech cousin arrives, determined to enjoy himself. Soon they decide to go rambling. They're right out in the middle of the forest when a big grizzly bear appears. The bear hugs the poor Czech cousin to death and then eats him.The lawyer runs to the nearest village and tells everybody what has happened. The villagers form a search party and return to the forest. They come across some bears and ask the lawyer to identify the one that killed his cousin.

"It's that male bear over there."

They kill the bear and rip open his stomach, but there is nothing there. They decide to kill the female bear nearby, and when they rip open her stomach, they find the poor Czech cousin.

So it all goes to show: "Never trust a lawyer when he says the cheque is in the mail

LANGUAGE JOHNNY!!!

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog s**t in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a f*****g teddy-bear laying right f*****g here beside me when I f*****g wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a f*****g train going around the f*****g tree, and when I go outside I want to see a f*****g bike leaning up against the f*****g garage."

On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog s**t. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog s**t around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog s**t by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a f*****g dog but I can't find the b*****d”.

Nice updates Guys
Given a good laugh

A guy moves to Alaska and his co-workers tells him he has to pass three tests to be become a true Alaskan.

1) Drink a bottle of whiskey
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman
3) Kill a Grizzly bear.

So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out of the cabin. He returns a couple hours later all cut up and his cloths are all ripped.

He then asks his friends, where is this Eskimo woman he is suppose to kill.

Jim

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car primarily aimed at female drivers.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It only comes in pink, hence the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is…. and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real pig to start in the morning. Some have reported that on a cold winters’ morning… “when you really need it….you can't get the bitch to turn over for love nor money”

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have ‘curb appeal’ and reasonably price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age making the tyres bulge and the steering dodgy. Consumer report a “terrible ride and a complete loss of control after the honeymoon period”

The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but have concluded “it’s the paint may just make it look bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status....and is a ******* to park level with the curb..!!



Male owners are advised not to even countenance “ownership”. It’s far better to lease one….and replace it annually with a new model.