Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1201

    BrightBlessings said:
    The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
    Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
    God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
    God said, "Yes, that would be me."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
    oh god xD
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  2. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #1202

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.

    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.









    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

    Tom and his wifeLinda listened to the instructor,

    'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

    He addressed the man,

    'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1203

    BlackSparrow said:
    BrightBlessings said:
    The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
    Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
    God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
    God said, "Yes, that would be me."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
    oh god xD
    Was that a pun?
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1204

    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    BlackSparrow said:
    BrightBlessings said:
    The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
    Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
    God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
    God said, "Yes, that would be me."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
    oh god xD
    Was that a pun?
    Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1205

    BlackSparrow said:
    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    BlackSparrow said:

    oh god xD
    Was that a pun?
    Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.
    Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #1206

    A friend from Texas just sent me this one.



    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto. They place two bar
    stools side by side and park themselves on the stools.


    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you
    can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I知 John, he's
    Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
    polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday
    yet, boys"?

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England
    every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

    Jim nods his head in agreement.

    "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...
    the history, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
    "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't
    stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."












      My Computer


  7. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
       #1207

    The Blonde After Surgery

    A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.

    "Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.

    "Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"

    "Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"

    The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

    "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

    "Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


    Rich
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1208

    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    BlackSparrow said:
    Lady Fitzgerald said:

    Was that a pun?
    Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.
    Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.
    One of your many perks eh?
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #1209

    The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.


    One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"


    "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.


    On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"


    "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"


    Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"


    "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !"


    Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"


    "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.


    The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in !
    The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the hell have I done?


    He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"


    The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.."
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  10. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1210

    BlackSparrow said:
    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    BlackSparrow said:

    Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.
    Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.
    One of your many perks eh?
    Oh yeah, I'm quite perky.
      My Computer


 

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