Jokes Thread [3]

  1. Posts : 6,243
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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  2. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit

    A very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.
    She drives the car perfectly well during the day,
    but at night, the car just won't go at all.
    After trying to drive the car at night for a
    week (but without any luck), she furiously
    calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a
    technician to her.
    The technician examines the car and finds
    nothing wrong with it.
    So he turns to the blonde and asks:
    "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the
    right gears?"

    Full of anger, the blonde replies:

    "You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask
    such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
    Of course I am using the right gears;

    I use "D" during the day

    and "N" at night."
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    Ha aha... 'phone man... a good one
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  4. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)

    Boy, if you don't shut up I'm gonna slap you so hard Google ain't gonna be able to find you!
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  5. Posts : 3,724
    Windows 10x64 Build 1709

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  6. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)

    What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up.

    Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
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  7. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1

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  8. Posts : 1,397
    Win 10 Pro 64

    HELL EXPLAINED By a Chemistry Student

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
    chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. True,
    or not, it's funny as hell (no pun intended)!

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
    it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
    have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
    (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
    (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
    need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
    at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can
    safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
    Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
    Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
    religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
    religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
    can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
    they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
    exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
    Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
    pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
    proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
    enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
    until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
    year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
    and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
    number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
    and has already frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
    follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
    extinct.........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
    a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
    'Oh my God.'

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  9. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1

    Gary, loved that one..

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  10. whs
    Posts : 26,210
    Vista, Windows7, Mint Mate, Zorin, Windows 8

    Helpful Spouse
    Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
    Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it".
    Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
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