Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1221

    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
    I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
    blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license
    .
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #1222

    After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: "Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I'm sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you're not pulling your weight."
    She replied calmly: "Then why don't you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I'll make sure once again that you'll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed."

    (I told my wife I would trade her in for two 30 years olds when she reached 60. She said fine if you survive one night, I'll kill you.)
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1223

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #1224

    love the sig/avatar BlackSparrow. just finished watching Sword Art Online last night... so awesome....
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #1225

    BlackSparrow said:
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    Or, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" Voltaire, I think.
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #1226

    Abraham Lincoln? Mark Twain? the Bible? not sure...

    Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt |

    I like this one from that link:
    “For the unwise man ’tis best to be mute
    when he come amid the crowd,
    for none is aware of his lack of wit
    if he wastes not too many words;
    for he who lacks wit shall never learn
    though his words flow ne’er so fast.”
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 1,397
    Win 10 Pro 64
       #1227

    Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
    And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
    I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
    I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

    If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
    Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
    Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
    I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

    On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
    But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
    Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
    I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1228

    Britton30 said:
    BlackSparrow said:
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    Or, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" Voltaire, I think.
    Yeah, I think it's Voltaire but I don't know.
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 53,663
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #1229

    A woman was talking a shortcut through a cemetery when she spotted a man sobbing uncontrollably beside a grave.

    "Why did you have to go?" he cried. "Why, oh why?"

    The woman put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I don't wish to intrude on your grief, but I'm so sorry for your loss. Is this your wife's grave?"

    "No," sniffled the man. "It's her first husband's."

    A Guy
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #1230

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
    Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
    "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
    Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

    The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

    "You not Nissan Main dealer?
      My Computer


 

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