Jokes Thread [3]

Cat Bathing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Women Are Like Apples :~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------Women--------------
-------------are like apples----------
---------on trees. The best ones-----
-------are at the top of the tree.------
------The men dont want to reach----
----for the good ones because they ----
--are afraid of falling and getting hurt--
-Instead, they just get the rotten apples-
--from the ground that arent as good, --
but easy. So the apples at the top think-
something is wrong with them, when in-
--reality, theyre amazing. They just-----
---have to wait for the right man to------
----- come along, the one whos--------
----------- brave enough to--------------
-----------------climb all---------------
----------------- the way----------------
-----------------to the top--------------
---------------- of the tree!------------
Author:unknown

More truth than a Joke..

Subject: Gun ownership



You may have heard on the news about a southern California man
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found
he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate)
1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also
featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it
as a "massive" weapons cache.

By southern California standards someone even owning
100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable". Just imagine if
he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector".

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas , he'd be called a "deer hunting buddy".

In the states of New York and Massachusetts he would be serving a "Life" sentence for gun possession......after a trial of course.

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

The Howling Wolves said:

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Verry good THW

The Howling Wolves said:

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

The Howling Wolves said:

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Had to translate this to Finnish and post on our family forums.

Kari

(Finnish version:

Sisäinen rauha.

Jaan tämän kanssanne koska tämä toimii... Joku tohtori sanoi joskus että saavuttaaksemme sisäisen rauhan meidän tulisi aina saattaa päätökseen alottamamme asiat, ja voisimme siten rauhoittua elämässämme. Katsoin ympärilleni ajatellessani mitä olin viime aikoina aloittanut mutta en saattanut päätökseen. Niinpä saatoin päätökseen aloittamani pullon Laphroiagia, ja pullon LAgavulinia, jonkun rommipulson, låpåt kippuläkkket, vatsa altetum gäljakorpim jats pljomuuta.Teil eeol pikustakkk gäzizdyst kus hyvö mä tuntu nytte. Jaa täts keikul kus trvits säsäsäly rauhm.Jes.)

Had to steal this and post it on another forum :)

A Guy

HERE'S YOUR CHUCKLE FOR TODAY.....
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't
understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
You gotta love this: The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'