Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1291

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Irish Mirror (I hope this brightens up your day)




    After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.



    In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

    Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

    'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'



    He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his
    wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
    he would go there and look at it.



    His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

    So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

    As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

    'So that's the ugly b***h he's running around with.'
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  2. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1292

    BlackSparrow said:
    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Irish Mirror (I hope this brightens up your day)





    After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.



    In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

    Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

    'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'



    He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his
    wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
    he would go there and look at it.



    His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

    So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

    As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

    'So that's the ugly b***h he's running around with.'
    Being part Irish, I represent that joke!
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  3. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #1293

    Good one, My Lady!
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  4. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #1294

    Men Are Just Happier People
    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
    EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
    MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
    BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
    ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
    DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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  5. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1295

    Old Submarine Sailor

    This courtesy of a real-life old Submarine Sailor:An old Submarine Sailor walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. As he did so, a young woman entered and sat down next to him. She turned to the Submariner, saw his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"He said, "Well, my father, two brothers and a third cousin were on boats. I've spent my whole life riding boats. Snorkeling, deep dives, diesel boats, nuclear power, Med runs, Northern runs, FBM patrols, Arctic runs, SPECOPS, WESTPACs, runs to the Caribbean, Halifax, Faslane, Holy Loch, Rota, Guam, been on the Blue Crew, the Gold Crew, the other crew, done 90-day patrols, six-month deployments, two-a-days, been through the Ditch, across the Equator, under the ice, and up to the Pole, been to Pearl, Yokosuka, Guam, La Madd, Fort Lauderdale, San Juan, tracked Russkies, dodged P-3s, been depth-charged, torpedoed, tracked with active sonar, detected by SOSUS, I've built them, decommissioned them, overhauled them, re-commissioned them, I'm a Blue Nose and a Shellback, I've blown from test depth, gone Emergency Deep, rode Tridents, 688s, 637s, 594s, Skipjack and Franklin class, done drug runs, liquor runs, crazy Ivans, been in trail, used a Steinke hood, been through the tower, dodged Russian air power, fought flooding, fires, reactor scrams, stood watch on the BCP, SCP, EPCP, GDU and TDU. I got dolphins, a combat patrol pin, deterrent patrol pin and a DBF pin tattooed on my chest, got THRESHER on my left arm, SCORPION on the right, missiles on my back, and twin counter-rotating screws on my ass. I've drunk beer at the Horse and Cow, Scotch in Dunoon, wine in Naples, puked at Beamans, ate chili at SUBVETS and I ain't missed a SUBBALL since 1952, so yes: I guess I am a Submarine Sailor."The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women."The two sat sipping their drinks in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Submariner, looked at his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

    Old Submarine Sailor | The World is All That is the Case | Lawrence.com

    Posted by Layback Bear RM3-SS
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  6. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1296

    I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) LOOK FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON,
    EVERY YEAR. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

    Coincidence? Just wondering...................


    Alabama beat Arkansas,
    and Arkansas fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Tennessee,
    and Tennessee fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Auburn,
    and Auburn fired their coach.

    Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......


    I wish the White House had a team!
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  7. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1297

    The Howling Wolves said:
    I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) LOOK FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON,
    EVERY YEAR. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

    Coincidence? Just wondering...................


    Alabama beat Arkansas,
    and Arkansas fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Tennessee,
    and Tennessee fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Auburn,
    and Auburn fired their coach.

    Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......


    I wish the White House had a team!
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 501
    Windows 10 Home 64-Bit
       #1298

    Chuck Norris and a man had a competition on who could spit further. The man spitted and it went quite far... Chuck Norris spitted and the next day, TV NEWS : WATER FOUND ON MARS!

    There was a marathon which comprised of Chuck Norris, Light and Usain Bolt.
    When the race finished, Einstein died immediately after. Ask why? Because light came second.
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1299

    The Blonde Pilot..


    This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
    He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
    And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
    She hears a voice over the radio saying:
    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.
    I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
    'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."




    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
    "O.K." says the voice on the radio....


    "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
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  10. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #1300

    aritra2116 said:
    Chuck Norris and a man had a competition on who could spit further. The man spitted and it went quite far... Chuck Norris spitted and the next day, TV NEWS : WATER FOUND ON MARS!

    There was a marathon which comprised of Chuck Norris, Light and Usain Bolt.
    When the race finished, Einstein died immediately after. Ask why? Because light came second.
    xD Good old Chuck Norris jokes! Here's one for yah:

    Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants!
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