Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1361

    Budget Meeting


    A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


    "Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


    Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


    The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."


    The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #1362

    COMPUTIAC said:
    Budget Meeting


    A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


    "Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


    Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


    The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."

    The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1363

    COMPUTIAC said:
    Budget Meeting


    A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


    "Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


    Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


    The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."


    The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"
    The meeting was adjoined when the ambulance arrived.
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1364

    This may be a re-run...still quite cute.
    FORGOT MY GLASSES ....



    Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old men. I did this.



    When I got home last night,I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're nearly 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week". She fainted.



    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 53,666
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #1365

    It's just dawned on me !!

    My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

    He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

    His meals are provided at no cost to him.

    He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

    For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

    He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

    If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

    He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

    He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

    He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

    All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick .......

    I think he must be a member of Congress!!!

    A Guy
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 506
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #1366

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    This may be a re-run...still quite cute.
    FORGOT MY GLASSES ....



    Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old men. I did this.



    When I got home last night,I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're nearly 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week". She fainted.



    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!
    So I am retiring before the end of the year, the the question I am asked most by the folks at work is "what will you do with all of your time?"

    The next person who asks is in for a shock lol
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
       #1367

    Male Logic

    Woman: How many beers do you drink a day?

    Man: Usually about 3.

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 including a tip.

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
    spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
    $5400.

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
    past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
    could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
    accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
    now bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1368

    Bad Dream


    A couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking.


    Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.


    She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried. If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"


    He said, "Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”


    She asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"


    He replied "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.


    "Well, would she sleep in this bed?"


    He thought a while and said "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it.”


    She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?"


    He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."


    (oops)
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1369

    Critical Thinking At Its Best!

    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

    (This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
    month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
    been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
    for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No.

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #1370

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Critical Thinking At Its Best!

    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes
    ...
    ...
    My dear Lady, although a good joke deserves reposting every now and then, too soon is always too soon. Your joke was posted here only two posts before yours.
      My Computer


 

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