Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 71
    W-7 Home premium
       #1421

    I make sure my Cousin, the NUN, get's all those Catholic jokes.
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1422

    This may have been posted in here before.. It's worth sharing it again.

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    (written by kids)



    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kristen, age 10


    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
    -- Camille, age 10


    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8


    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8


    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10


    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    -When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - - Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - - Howard, age 8


    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favourite is .......


    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
    -- Ricky, age 10
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  3. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1423

    Hospital Chart Bloopers


    1. The patient refused autopsy.


    2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.


    3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.


    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


    6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.


    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


    9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.


    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
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  4. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1424

    Good call by the patient.
    Procrastination has it good points.
    1. The patient refused autopsy.
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  5. Posts : 71
    W-7 Home premium
       #1425


    He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates & having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

    This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower & the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

    After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,... yes I will!"

    The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No?
    He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
    He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear & trepidation he picked up the phone & called her.

    First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

    "Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

    The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!

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  6. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1426

    On their wedding night, the young bride
    Approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
    Encounter.
    In his highly aroused state,
    ... Her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.


    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
    By the
    bank which was worth over $2 million,
    And informed him that they
    Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    To keep their mouths shut
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  7. Posts : 71
    W-7 Home premium
       #1427

    Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes -- all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.
    Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
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  8. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1428

    How many more doctors does it take to change a lightbulb.


    HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA
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  9. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #1429

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    How many more doctors does it take to change a lightbulb.


    HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA
    Here ya go LPt,

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  10. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1430

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