Jokes Thread [3]

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
... Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

~~ Sensually Subtle ~~

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.



"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.



"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

X

X

X

X



"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

This may have been shared before, it's still quite charming..

Wives . . .

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men

who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were

dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were
heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the

head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Cranbourne courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin?

No!... Is it midnight already?'

A travelling circus arrives in Utsjoki, the northernmost county in Lapland in northern Finland. It's Kaamos time, mid winter with no sunlight in a few months as opposite to the summertime midnight sun. The laps are thrilled, it's not often they have an opportunity to entertain themselves during the Kaamos.

First night, the circus tent is full, not a single seat available. A circus artist, a lion tamer starts his routine. He unzips his trousers, takes his manhood in his hands, orders a great angry looking lion to open its mouth and places his manhood in the lion's mouth. He then hits the lion in head which makes the animal to shut its mouth.

No sounds can be heard, the audience sits still anticipating the inevitable. Some women faint, men are closing their eyes. After a full minute the lion tamer again hits the lion with a rubber sledgehammer, forcing the mighty animal to open his mouth. He then takes his manhood out from the lions mouth, unzips his pants and bows to the audience.

A standing ovation follows, the audience is yelling "Bravo!"

The lion tamer then asks the audience if there's a daredevil among them who would like to try the same to get 1,000 Euros reward.

After a long silence a blond Lapp girl in her early 20's stands up and says:

"I could try, I for sure need the money. But you have to promise me you do not hit me with the sledgehammer as you did for the lion, you just need to tell me when I should shut and open my mouth!"

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.

golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."


"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."