Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1461

    pebbly said:
    A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

    Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

    Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

    A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

    Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

    Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

    As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

    Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.
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  2. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #1462

    GOODBYE DADDY
    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

    'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
    The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
    The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.
    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy
    and goodbye Grandma.'
    The next day the grandmother died.
    'Holy s***' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

    'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
    He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
    day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
    Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
    He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
    She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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  3. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
       #1463

    Last night while watching the tv show Pickers, This old Texan said:

    Yankees are like Hemorrhoids,

    If they go down and then back up, they are good
    If they go down and stay down, they are a pain in the ass.

    Rich
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1464

    Upgrade


    Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

    She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

    During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1465

    A perfect example why I'm glad I'm single and a Lesbian.
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 3,324
    Windows 8.1 Pro x64
       #1466

    My mate asked me, "What's the sexiest thing a Woman has ever said to you?"

    "How did you get in to my house?", I replied.
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1467

    Football Quiz

    Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
    ___________________________________________

    Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

    So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
    ___________________________________________

    What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

    Drool.
    ___________________________________________

    How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. That's a sophomore course.
    ___________________________________________

    How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

    The cow fell on him.
    ___________________________________________

    Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

    One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

    The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
    ___________________________________________

    A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

    He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

    Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

    What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

    "Will the defendant please rise."
    ___________________________________________

    If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

    The police officer.
    ___________________________________________

    How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

    There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
    _________ __________________________________

    What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

    A full set of teeth.
    ___________________________________________

    University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;


    the other half will have to dress themselves.
    ___________________________________________

    How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
    ___________________________________________

    Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

    He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
    ___________________________________________

    How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.
    ___________________________________________

    What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?

    Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1468

    Jokes Thread [3]-kite.jpg
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
       #1469

    Phone Man,

    Rich
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 54,149
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #1470

    A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood.

    “I want to be a movie star,” he told the agent. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked: “What’s your name?”

    “Penis van Lesbian,” he replied.

    “Sir, I hate to tell you,” said the agent, “but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

    “I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!”

    “Now listen: I have worked in Hollywood for years and I’m telling you that will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. Change your name – or I won’t be able to put you on our books.”

    “So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said, and left the agent’s office.

    Five years later

    The agent opens an envelope sent to his office – inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.

    Dear Sir,

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

    After I left your office, I thought about what you said and, eventually, decided you were right: I had to change my name. I’m afraid I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

    But I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

    A Guy
      My Computer


 

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