Welcome to Fall
Two neighbors were sitting on a deck talking. They saw their pretty blonde neighbor walk behind her barn with a rake..
Soon, they heard a blood-curdling scream and they rushed over.
She was clutching her left leg. They took her to the doctor where they found that her leg was broken.
Finally the neighbors asked her what she had done.
"Well," she replied, "I was raking leaves, and I fell out of the tree!"
Running Late
An man is stopped by police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Divorce Court
Henry and Molly were in divorce court after many years of marriage. The judge asked, "Henry, is it true that through the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Molly?"
"Yes, your honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?"
Harry replied, "I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."
What would we call an orange if it was blue?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
~George Carlin, RIP
Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch......
Naked.
so good