Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1521

    Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

    "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

    "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

    "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

    Sarah replies, "Property? Tthe schmuck has a paper route!"
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  2. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1522

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

    "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

    "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

    "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

    Sarah replies, "Property? Tthe schmuck has a paper route!"
    NOW THAT'S FUNNY!!
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  3. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1523

    Dang, very funny.
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  4. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1524

    Who got Morris Schwartz dog?
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  5. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #1525

    A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy.

    All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
    The barman says: "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
    The guy says: "No, I'm from Canada."
    The bartender says: "What do you do in Canada?"
    The guy says: "I'm a taxidermist."
    The bartender says: "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
    "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
    The bartender grins & yells: "It’s OK boys. He's one of us."
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  6. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1526

    BrightBlessings said:
    A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy.

    All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
    The barman says: "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
    The guy says: "No, I'm from Canada."
    The bartender says: "What do you do in Canada?"
    The guy says: "I'm a taxidermist."
    The bartender says: "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
    "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
    The bartender grins & yells: "It’s OK boys. He's one of us."
    I love it. It's great. If only I can remember it.
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  7. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1527

    Federal Inspection


    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."


    The rancher said: "Okay, but don't go into that field over there --" The DEA Agent interrupted, saying: "Look mister, am a government authority! See this badge? This badge means I can go wherever I want!"


    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later he heard screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers bull.


    The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...

    "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
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  8. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1528

    Jokes Thread [3]-vet.jpg

    Jim :)
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1529

    Indian Just Want Coffee


    An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:



    "Want coffee."

    The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

    He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

    The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
    to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

    The next morning the Indian returns.
    He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
    another male buffalo with the other.
    He walks up to the counter and says to
    the waiter:


    "Want coffee."

    The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
    We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

    The Indian smiles and proudly says,


    "Training for position in United States Congress.
    Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
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  10. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1530

    Finally, a word to describe our Future. Ineptocracy

    This is not yet found in the Oxford dictionary, so it was "Googled" and discovered to be a recently "coined"
    new word found on T-shirts on eBay: Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are
    within this definition!
    I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word.
    Attachment 288541
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