Jokes Thread [3]

The 100 mph Goat



Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!" The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

Larry is 95 and lives in an old folks’ home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and, before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?” She asks, “What?” “SEX!!!” Florence exclaims, “Why, you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you!” “I know,” Larry says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Florence, who gently unzips his pants, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident holding his manhood! Furious, Florence yelled, “You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have?” Larry smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s disease!!”

Good ol' Larry !

TRUE STORY

In the UK in days gone by on building sites there was always a teashed and had a a large pot bellied stove in it and usually a young bloke wholooked after the bricklayers used to keep this stove stoked so that comemorning tea time there was boiling water ready to go as bricklayers are very busyworkers, and would be in a rush to bolt down food and tea and get back to work.

So one day one of the brickies named George said to the Jim the teaboy -

“Can you go and get me a packet of Senior Service cigarettes (a brand) fromthe little local shop before morning tea?”

The boy replied”Ok what do you want if they haven’t got them??”

George thought about it quickly and said “Well then just bring meanything!”

So come morning tea time we all arrived back at the tea shed andGeorge expecting his cigarettes went up to the boy and said

“Did you you get my cigarettes??”

The boy with a smile on his face (bit simple) said “No”

George looked at the boy and said “Well what did you get for me?”

The boy then looking quite pleased with himself promptly handedhim two pork pies.

Needless to say the shed was in an uproar Dad and I both fell offthe bench laughing but George not known for his sense of humour was busyrunning out of the door chasing this unfortunate young bloke to box his earsLOL!!

One of the funniest things I have ever seen. . (Cigarettes in the UK used to come in different brands and packs of ten ortwenty)

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

The Undertaker thought we should just bury it and be done with it.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Jim, the last line is the facts Jack.

Phone Man said:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

The Undertaker thought we should just bury it and be done with it.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Actually it should have read the Urologists thought he was taking the piss

Plus the Naturopaths and Herbalists thought he should have some medicinal lawn cuttings LOL!!

The Euthanologists well we wall know what they would think eh?? and it isn't confined to the US either

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path

pebbly said:

Larry is 95 and lives in an old folks’ home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and, before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?” She asks, “What?” “SEX!!!” Florence exclaims, “Why, you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you!” “I know,” Larry says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Florence, who gently unzips his pants, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident holding his manhood! Furious, Florence yelled, “You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have?” Larry smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s disease!!”

Great. I love it. Keep the jokes coming.