Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1651

    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    jadinolf said:
    Lady Fitzgerald said:




    That enough laughing for you?
    A few more would have been nice.
    Don't tempt me!
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  2. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #1652

    Why we never went Metric in the USA.

    A Metric Romance
    by Louise Ripley

    He adored her. She had a classic shape, a 91.44 – 60.96 - 91.44 centimetre body. But it wasn’t only her physical appearance; she loved cars, sports, all his favourite movies. On their first date, he took her to a football game where they had seats on the 45.72 meter line, shared a few 1.126 litres of beer, and ate 30.48 centimetre long hot dogs. Afterwards they went to see Jules Verne’s classic film, 111,111.107 Kilometres Under the Sea. Leaving the theatre, she asked if sometime he might like to see her favourite movie, Mary Poppins. Turned out it was one of his favourites too. Shyly he admitted, "I love it when she sings, ‘4.929 millilitres of sugar helps the medicine go down.’" She smiled warmly, pleased. "Aw, gee, I love your smile," he said. "I’d walk 1,609,347.042 kilometres for one of your smiles." They made plans to see Mary Poppins, and also God’s Little 0.405 Hectare.
    He drove her home in his red Mustang. "Oooooh," she crooned, "I love its power, and its shiny finish." "It’s got a 186.5 kilowatt engine," he explained, "and every 2.54 centimetres of it is hand polished. I’ve also got it rust protected and shine coated; I’ve always believed that 28.353 grams of prevention is worth 0.454 kilograms of cure." "It must have cost a fortune," she exclaimed. "It wasn’t that bad, and besides, sometimes you have to live for now. Once they bury you 1.829 metres under, you can’t enjoy much of life."
    They took the long way home, driving many kilometres out past town, and although he was friendly and warm, he never did anything improper. "I like you," she said, "You move slow. Most guys, give ‘em 2.54 centimetres, they’ll take 1.609 kilometres." "Well," he suggested, "don’t criticize a man till you’ve walked 1.609 kilometres in his shoes. I can see why a guy might move fast with you; you are a beauty." "Gee, I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful." "Of course you are! You mustn’t hide your light under a 0.352 hectolitre; you’re an attractive woman...."

    M. Louise Ripley, Fall 1992
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  3. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #1653

    Why we went Metric in the Europe.

    An Imperial Romance
    by Kari, based on A European Romance by Louise Ripley

    He adored her. She had a classic shape, a 36 and 1 eight – 23 and 5 eights - 36 and 1 eight inch body. But it wasn’t only her physical appearance; she loved cars, sports, all his favourite movies. On their first date, he took her to a (real) football game where they had seats on the 54.68066491688539 line, shared a few 1.056688209432594 pints of beer, and ate a foot 12 inch long hot dogs. Afterwards they went to see Jules Verne’s classic film, 69,060 miles Under the Sea. Leaving the theatre, she asked if sometime he might like to see her favourite movie, Mary Poppins. Turned out it was one of his favourites too. Shyly he admitted, "I love it when she sings, ‘0.1666693178973841 fluid ounces of sugar helps the medicine go down.’" She smiled warmly, pleased. "Aw, gee, I love your smile," he said. "I’d walk 1,000 kilometres 621.371192237334 miles for one of your smiles." They made plans to see Mary Poppins, and also God’s Little Acre

    Stay tuned for part two...
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  4. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #1654

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  5. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1655

    Joining Facebook after Fifty...Priceless!!


    Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless) Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!



    A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!



    When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.



    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.



    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.



    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.



    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.



    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.



    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."



    P.S. I know some of you are not over 70.


    ......Not me I figured your sense of humor could handle it....


    We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

    NOW I think I've jumped OFF Topic.... well that also happens when one gets older...
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  6. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1656

    To quote Home Simpson, "It's funny because it's true!"

    I'm but a child midway through the over 60 generation but everyone of those points pretty much apply to me.

    And I can't wait to get a chance to use the bisackual line someday; it's been a long time since anyone asked me, "paper or plastic." Anymore now, unless you bring your own bags, it's plastic or your pockets or purse (and I have used those last two options more than once). I do love shopping at Ace Hardware, though. They still have those cute little paper sacks with handles; I hoard those little jewels. Same for the handled paper bags from Olive Garden. I use them to carry my pillow in when I visit friends out of state although I frequently came home without the bag from one friend because the cat usually commandeered it and I just didn't have the heart to take it away from her.

    And I'll have to remember the tweet/fart line as well.
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  7. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1657

    Here, on the left coast, you bring your own bag or else.
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  8. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1658

    jadinolf said:
    Here, on the left coast, you bring your own bag or else.
    Curious. I've done a lot of shopping, including for groceries, on the left coast (SoCal) and never had to provide my own bags. I do keep two regular non-woven cloth bags and one insulated bag in my truck so I usually do have them available for use.
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  9. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1659

    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    jadinolf said:
    Here, on the left coast, you bring your own bag or else.
    Curious. I've done a lot of shopping, including for groceries, on the left coast (SoCal) and never had to provide my own bags. I do keep two regular non-woven cloth bags and one insulated bag in my truck so I usually do have them available for use.
    It's fairly new in my area and depends on the town but it is catching on just about everywhere. I have used cloth bags since 1989 so it's not a problem for me.

    If you don't have a bag, you can buy paper ones for a dime each OR just push your shopping cart to the car and empty it there.
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  10. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1660

    jadinolf said:
    Lady Fitzgerald said:
    jadinolf said:
    Here, on the left coast, you bring your own bag or else.
    Curious. I've done a lot of shopping, including for groceries, on the left coast (SoCal) and never had to provide my own bags. I do keep two regular non-woven cloth bags and one insulated bag in my truck so I usually do have them available for use.
    It's fairly new in my area and depends on the town but it is catching on just about everywhere. I have used cloth bags since 1989 so it's not a problem for me.

    If you don't have a bag, you can buy paper ones for a dime each OR just push your shopping cart to the car and empty it there.
    If it wasn't clearly posted where I enter the store that one is required to provide their own bags or purchase them and I had forgotten my bags or didn't have enough, I would just leave the groceries on the counter and leave without paying. I wouldn't go back, either. I've never, ever have been required to provide my own bags. I have no problem with providing my own bags, and usually do, but I resent having policies rammed down my throat, no matter how beneficial they may be.
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