Jokes Thread [3]

A Guy said:

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A Guy

O U C H..... cute joke too.

Mirror Mirror


An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.


"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.


The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.


Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"


Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"


The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.


The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 KENTUCKY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of KENTUCKY.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The KENTUCKY EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN KENTUCKY EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the KENTUCKY EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the KENTUCKY EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

misser billy boy gates is sure nice folk.

yep, ain't no REKiN.

A local store/business establishment was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read: HELP WANTED!

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

A Guy

I like it (meow)