Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1701

    Dog Gone Secret


    A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.


    The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."


    "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"


    "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1702

    Neigh!
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
       #1703

    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa


    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Vinnie
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 21,007
    Desk1 7 Home Prem / Desk2 10 Pro / Main lap Asus ROG 10 Pro 2 laptop Toshiba 7 Pro Asus P2520 7 & 10
       #1704


    Blond goes to the hairdressers to have her hair cut.

    She sits down and the hairdresser asks, “How would you like it?”

    The blond replies, “Oh as usual”

    The hairdresser then notices that she is wearing headphones and says, “ Madam you will have to take the headphones off while I cut your hair”

    The blond retorts, “Oh no I can’t take them I HAVE to have them on at all times!”

    The hairdresser carries on and is doing her best when she accidentally knocks the headphones off.

    The blond falls out of the chair and onto the floor.

    So being very curious the hairdresser picked up the headphones to se what was so important that the blond could not take them off.

    She puts on the headphones and listens and hears “Breath in – breath out – breath in – breath out – breath in -----“


      My Computer


  5. Posts : 71
    W-7 Home premium
       #1705

    Raisin Bread

    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
    who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

    One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
    shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
    raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
    the man says.

    The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
    reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

    The man standing almost directly beneath her is
    provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
    better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
    bread,
    one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
    loaf of raisin bread.

    After many trips she is tired and irritated and
    begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
    glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
    amongst the crowd.

    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
    yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

    "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 71
    W-7 Home premium
       #1706

    Happy Thanksgiving!
    Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
    Getting old is so much fun... !!!
    Remember:
    Don't make old People mad.
    Just remember.........
    We don't like being old in the first place,
    so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1707

    ..... Ok.. I just laughed out LOUD and cried, I laughed so hard...
    YOU made my day.
    Jokes Thread [3]-falllpt.gif
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1708

    thudpucker said:
    Happy Thanksgiving!
    Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
    Getting old is so much fun... !!!
    Remember:
    Don't make old People mad.
    Just remember.........
    We don't like being old in the first place,
    so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
    In West Virginia they would of just ask to see your hunting licenses and then wrap the turkey up for you.
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1709

    Breaking news in Southern California...

    Woman Shot in her own Driveway !
    Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
    and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
    Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
    with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
    the back of her head.
    He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
    Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
    if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
    of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour
    The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
    doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
    When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
    dough on the back of her head.
    A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
    loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
    in the back of her head.
    When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
    and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
    recovered.
    Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
    could all be a coincidence.
    The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
    was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1710

    thudpucker said:
    Raisin Bread

    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
    who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

    One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
    shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
    raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
    the man says.

    The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
    reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

    The man standing almost directly beneath her is
    provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
    better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
    bread,
    one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
    loaf of raisin bread.

    After many trips she is tired and irritated and
    begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
    glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
    amongst the crowd.

    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
    yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

    "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
      My Computer


 

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