New
#1731
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
- Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
- Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
- Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
- Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
- All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
- Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Reindeer Games
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
The ‘Clauses’
Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relative Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.
From the Marx Brothers "Night at the Opera".
Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here? This thing here.
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause. That's in every contract. That just says uh, it says uh, "If any of the parties participating in this contract is shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know...
Driftwood: It's all right, that's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a 'sanity clause'.
Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha! You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Clause!