Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1751

    Immediate Downsizing Measures Employed


    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.


    Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of this season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.


    The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer–who will retrain at the Harvard Business School–is anticipated.
    Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.



    I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
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  2. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1752

    Santa Claus is a woman because:

    • The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
    • A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
    • Men can’t pack a bag.
    • Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
    • Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
    • Men don’t answer their mail.
    • Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
    • Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
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  3. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1753

    COMPUTIAC said:
    Santa Claus is a woman because:

    • The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
    • A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
    • Men can’t pack a bag.
    • Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
    • Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
    • Men don’t answer their mail.
    • Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
    • Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
    It's funny because it's true. (Homer Simpson)
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  4. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #1754

    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

    "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
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  5. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1755

    I love it. I sure would like to see the face of the neighbor.

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
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  6. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #1756

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports Car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at It and handed it to the policewoman.

    "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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  7. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1757

    All I Want For Christmas
    The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.


    Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"


    "Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.


    "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "


    Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
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  8. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1758

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.

    Those people walk just like that."

    The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,

    "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

    The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
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  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1759

    Subject: Gun Shopping


    Gun Control. It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.


    When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...

    The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.


    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,


    I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.


    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


    They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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  10. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1760

    pebbly said:
    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports Car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at It and handed it to the policewoman.

    "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
    Love it!
      My Computer


 

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