Jokes Thread [3]

  1. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64

    Senility can be helpful.
    You never loose things because you can't remember you ever had them in the first place.

    You can hide your own easter eggs.

    Their is no such thing as a rerun on T.V.

    All news is new news.

    All food is great because you can't remember what foods you don't like.

    The good news is most of the time you can remember where the bathroom is located and what it's used for.
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  2. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit

    The grade on this post is A+
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  3. Posts : 9,600
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit

    What post? I didn't see a post. Did you see a post?
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  4. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10

    This is an old one from the late 90's I believe...

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.

    12. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
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  5. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit

    A Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving to a meeting when their car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer got out and checked the car and said it's not a mechanical problem. The Electrical Engineer got out and checked the car and said it's not an electrical problem. The Software Engineer said lets close all the windows, get out of the car, get back in the car and open all the windows. The car started up and away they went.

    Jim :)
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  6. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1

    Two dung beetles are sitting on a turd. One farts, the other one says, "Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to eat here!"
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  7. Posts : 21,004
    Desk1 7 Home Prem / Desk2 10 Pro / Main lap Asus ROG 10 Pro 2 laptop Toshiba 7 Pro Asus P2520 7 & 10

    Britton30 said:
    Two dung beetles are sitting on a turd. One farts, the other one says, "Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to eat here!"
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  8. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

    May have been around before but hey it's 2014 so here goes...

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

    They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
    After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
    and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
    they were killing each other over 25 cents."
    Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
    of the game, all they kept screaming was...
    'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
    I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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  9. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB

    Happened back in my native Finland, Lapland:

    Two police officers were patrolling the streets in the capital of region Lapland, walking around downtown Rovaniemi at Arctic Circle. A tourist stopped them, apparently needing help.

    Tourist: Sorry, do you speak English?
    Officer 1: Ei, puhu suomea. (Translation: No, speak Finnish)
    Tourist: Parlez-vous franšais?
    Officer 2: Ei
    Tourist: Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
    Officer 1: Ei.
    Tourist: Parli italiano?
    Officer 2: Ei.
    Tourist: ┐Habla usted espa˝ol?
    Officer 1: Ei.

    The tourist looked at the officers, said nothing more and went away.

    Officer 1 (in Finnish, of course): I think he needed help. A shame that we both dropped out of college, again a good example that it had been better for both of us to study more.
    Officer 2: You are not often right but this time you are totally wrong. Look at that poor tourist; clearly an educated man, could speak 5 languages but all his studies were of no help to him!
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  10. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit

    Desert Island

    A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

    One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

    Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."

    Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    Man: "It's been 10 years!"

    With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

    Man: "Thank you so much!"

    Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"

    Man: "It's been 10 years!"

    The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.

    Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

    Then the girl says, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

    Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
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